You often hear about people that go from party high life to seeking a more “high vibration” one. I am no exception. I spent a kazillion dark nights exploring the dark corners and dance floors of many nightclubs and the (after) parties that ensue. It’s all a cluster under the same haze and reverie. For me, at the tender age of 14, that first moment I entered into the dark pulsating room of a nightclub, it was pure freedom and magic. I felt the music move through me and I just started to dance like it was the most natural thing in the world and from then on, I was hooked. In all fairness, my music obsession began at a very young age. Perusing my parent’s vinyl, going to music concerts and having club DJs make me mixes when I was 11 and 12 as my dad was involved in the nightclub scene professionally. The popular club DJ that had to play my Bat Mitzvah was not super thrilled I am sure. I know I was though!
Okay so at 14 years old I found the dark rooms where I could groove. You see, I needed the escape it seemed. Not knowing it at the time, the music, the scene all soothed me. The end of the Goth scene of the late 80’s to earliest 90’s which then veered into Industrial music and then my longest lived love affair began, everything electronic music. It was my place of worship, my place my heart felt good.
You see, even at 14, I was already careening into severe depression and escapism.
I had pain…so there I could escape. I could play, I could dress up, I could be a butterfly of my own making. My Libra side was happy.
I continued in this world for many many years, feeding the darkness and the light dance floor after dance floor moment.
Bliss, please….or so it seemed.
The scene of course albeit filled with people smiling and friends I can say are still in my life to this day….had some shadows as well. In the dark of the night, bad habits come alight. They elevate, they have space to unfold and feed my dopamine over and over. My ADHD brain really was thrilled and I could numb out the pain fully. The duality is real, even eyes closed on a dance floor. The habits amplify like the music and course through you.
I call a big chunk of the escape years one long night out because of the blur that it was. One day, my heart started to speak to me, to tell me things in little whispers creating cracks in the well placed veneer and overall haze. To allow me to start to hear that call of my inner voice, my soul. The empathic and sensitive qualities I was escaping, the over stimulation, the high high ups and deep deep downs, it all fell in a spiral. A dark night of the soul arose.
So I started to use it to serve my healing. Dig myself out from the deep trench. Little my little. First therapist, then second then third. I was called to start Yoga in those years. Every time I would breathe and let go, the light started to shine in the cracks. The pain I was escaping and the trench I was crawling out from was all lifting. I would be lying if I said it happened quickly, we all know it’s a journey. I found the deep facets of the Yoga practice, the chanting, the movement, the Mantra, The Divine connections, the teachers, the philosophy all the right teachings appeared at the right time. I became a seeker, recognizing my gifts, connecting to many healers and I took the energy I used to “Rave” and put it into Spirit aka Rama. I was in the middle of a Kirtan as a matter of fact chanting the Maha Mantra (Hare Krishna, Hare Rama) when the notion of Rave to Rama unfolded.
So life now is more about becoming in tune. I still dance a lot, even trying to blend the worlds with a Yoga Jam creation last year. Now, I do it in my body rather than out of it. I experience vs escape. I feel into my heart vs throw it away. Lots of changes that seem subtle but believe me when I say they are powerful. I won’t say it always feels good, even today as I am writing I am in a contraction moment, but I wouldn’t go back for the world. I have the tools to use to move through rather than freeze. I still have the beats pulsating within, just less party monster dulled out and more in tune and awakened.
Life is a balance of beauty, bliss and shadow experiences. Don’t get me wrong, I still think celebration is important, reframing what it looks like is key.